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Wolves season to go down in flames. August 27, 2011

Posted by Alex Tomchak Scott in English soccer.
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Let’s be honest with ourselves: Wolverhampton Wanderers will not be top of the league at the end of the English season.

Wolves is my favorite English team (my uncle lived in two English towns and I figured following Maidenhead United wouldn’t be much fun for an American*), so I’m very heartened by the league table as of this minute, which Wolves tops with seven points.

Let’s be serious, though, it will all come tumbling down. Soon Karl Henry will decide to murder someone on the field, probably Joey Barton — not, you understand, because he means anything by it; that’s just his game. Some people don’t think you need to carry a butterfly knife in your shinguard, but that’s just their opinion. You never know when kidnappers from Southeast Asia will descend suddenly upon you in the middle of a Premier League match**. Magistrates, who never seem to understand that some people just have it coming, will then get involved. Richard Stearman will probably be arrested for no reason.

You heard it here first.

* Although I’m inclined to think the cock-eyed looks you’d get for saying you supported Weston-super-Mare would probably be worth it.

** Rumor has it this is what happened to Michael Johnson while he was at Manchester City, but the club was too proud to admit it and tried to get away with pretending some chubby lad they found on the street who was also named Michael Johnson (it is a common name) was their young midfield colossus. Fortunately, Sven Goran Eriksson forgot this had happened when he signed Johnson this summer. The real Michael Johnson is rumored to be working in Thaksin Shinawatra’s cell phone mines (they do exist. shut up) for slave wages.

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