A thoughtful summary of Manchester United 8-2 Arsenal

Manchester United is bigger than this

Note: It is difficult to maintain a sense of proportion when dealing with a scoreline such as Manchester United 8-2 Arsenal, so I say why bother? This is a match write-up unashamed of lacking a sense of proportion. Deal with it.

So profound was Manchester United’s victory today that, if you were now to embark upon the creation any history of the human race, it would begin with today’s 8 a.m. (Pacific time) kickoff and end with the final whistle. The entirety of the human race would be composed of 15 be men: Manchester United’s starters, its coach and its three substitutes. The only country in existence would be the United Kingdom. Spain, Senegal, Brazil, Cape Verde, Mexico, South Korea: these would be irrelevant myths the race created to explain the origin of its gladiators, so irrelevant they did not even constitute footnotes. So too any part of Manchester outside the white lines of the Old Trafford pitch, not to say the rest of England, Europe, the ocean, the sky except as a place to which the ball momentarily ventured.

The universe trembled with each of Manchester United’s goals. The entire thing reverberated with the vibrations of Sir Alex Ferguson’s genius, and was indeed calibrated to the rotations of that genius. God had not just one son but sixteen, each one equally a miracle.

Indeed, the creation of that history would be inadequate as an action. Suicide is the only act of supplication that approaches sufficiency as a tribute to Manchester United’s greatness, not just on this day but forever.

Because indeed, any setback in the history of Manchester United is an irrelevance. Today’s victory was so pure as to render everything that came before it in relief. The deaths in the Munich air disaster? Irrelevant compared to this moment. The privations of depression and the post-World War II era? Can’t all have been bad because they led up to this moment. Everything, everything that has ever happened is good because the universe could produce this.

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This is Arsenal

And as for Arsenal, they are sub-existential. They might as well have never existed. Indeed, I am yet to see proof that Arsenal did exist. I don’t believe it. I think Tomas Rosicky is an illusion of the shoddiest kind, Carl Jenkinson is a myth invented to scare small children, Laurent Koscielny is a theoretical proposition advanced by schizophrenics.

The phrase “Robin van Persie” just bubbled into my mind and I am not sure why because I cannot connect it to any concrete concept. I assume it must never have happened, that I imagined imagining it; that you, the reader, cannot even read it because it does not exist. I haven’t typed it because I haven’t thought it. Everything that name touches becomes tainted with the stain of questionability. If this computer is connected to the idea that the words “Robin van Persie” may have been written and therefore thought, is it possible that this computer exists? I think not.

There is a certainty, which is that, if Arsene Wenger existed, he would be the most incompetent, maybe even basely so, human being in history. He would be a villain, if he existed, the torturer of the hardworking masses who would support, if they existed, the club he would coach, if he existed, if indeed that club did exist. He would torture Gary Cahill by being connected with transfer interest in him. Pity Gary Cahill; pity him for my mere invention of the possibility of Wenger.

It is a comfort that Arsene Wenger does not exist. It is not possible that someone so incompetent could exist. I am sorry for bringing it up.

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David De Gea

Some thoughts on David De Gea:

• David De Gea is Satan
• David De Gea is God.