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Ten purely sexual football managers, part 1 November 15, 2011

Posted by Alex Tomchak Scott in Hair.
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I recently read this list of “purely sexual footballers.” It is a disgrace. For one thing, there is nothing erotic about soccer players. For another thing, putting the words “sex” in the same paragraph as the words in the following paragraph should be a crime.

Gareth Bale.

Soccer managers, on the other hand …

Anyway, take note. This is how you do it.

PART 1: the male gaze

Whenever I read a list of the supposed sexiest women in the world, it always seems to devolve either to complete objectification or to a kind of discreet sidestepping of complete objectification, i.e. “My discussion of her recent directorial endeavors is a transparent stand-in for my desire to discuss her titties.” It’s a bit disgraceful. I feel no list of this nature is compete without a bit of shameful objectification. Here goes.

5. Mark Hughes

I’D LIKE TO JUICE A GRAPEFRUIT ON THAT JAW! LOOK AT THOSE CALVES OF HIS! I BET HE HAS A VERY FIRM BUTT! I’M NOW EXTREMELY HOT UNDER THE COLLAR!

4. Frank Rijkaard

EVEN IN SPITE OF THE FORMAT OF THIS LIST, I CAN’T QUITE BRING MYSELF TO MAKE THE RACIAL COMMENT THAT I MIGHT, BUT JUST CONJURE IT UP IN YOUR HEAD! SUCH A BIG MAN! LIKE A MONSTER! I AM FROTHING AT THE MOUTH WITH DESIRE!

3. Slaven Bilic

THOSE ARE SOME FULL LIPS! MY GOSH, I BET HE HAS AN ABDOMEN LIKE MASONRY BRICK! I AM FINDING IT DIFFICULT TO CONTROL MYSELF!

2. Jurgen Klinsmann

JUST THINK OF HOW HYPERFIT HE IS! I BET THERE IS NO BODY FAT ON HIM! HE COULD PROBABLY GO FOR DAYS! ALSO, A NICE SUNTAN! I AM GOING TO EXPLODE!

1. Avram Grant

Don’t act like you don’t want it.

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