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The Guardian’s 736 World Cup Profiles are LITERALLY the best thing ever. June 7, 2018

Posted by michaeltomlinson in Uncategorized, World Cup 2018.
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I WOULD LITERALLY NEVER USE HYPERBOLIC COPY, but on rare occasions I do.

In case you missed it, The Guardian has blessed us with 736 blurbs about every rostered player in this 2018 Russian edition of the World Cup. Admittedly, i’m writing this at work, and I haven’t had a chance to peruse every profile, but below are a couple that caught my eye, and match the aesthetic we’ve worked so hard to create here at The HV.

That Costa Rican – Russian connection that will surely turn into a light chuckle by game-day commentary leads across the world.

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Mandzukic put on blast. I can’t say i’m entirely sure how the awarding process works, but I’m pretty sure this blurb should win a Pulitzer

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Soccer blog respect soccer blog: Football crests with tacos January 8, 2015

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Seriously, someone had the industrious foresight and unique angle on modern style and pop culture to come out with a blog that truly transcends, time, space, and buns. Thy people like their food, and football wrapped in a shell, no matter if you prefer the hard or soft variety. This is what football, and specifically our favorite team’s crests have always needed, but weren’t aware they even wanted. footballcrestswithtacos.tumblr/ has put together an All Star cast of Taco Football Clubs. From the Mighty “Manchester City Football Taco, to the lesser “Yoevil Town Football Taco.” While I am in love with these crests (and some of my favorites are featured at the bottom), I’d say you could have some fun play on words while your at it, just a few suggestions.

Athletaco Madrid, EH EH? EHHHH

Fiorentortilla? ITS LIKE that purple footballing club from Italy, but, but with Tortilla in it! 😉

And, can’t we just call it what it is… Doritos Locos Millwall? Thats a fresh, vibrant, latin spin on a team, that well has literally nothing fresh, or remotely vibrant about their current makeup. I’m talking to you Millwall execs, this guy/gal is on to something and I think my touch of flare to their already fabulous crest is a great beginning to a new chapter of Doritos Locos Millwall, certainly to be all the rage with the kids.

Derby County Football Taco.

Chelsea Football Taco.

Real Sociedad de Táco.

For our Namesake: A Beautiful Half Volley January 15, 2014

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If you were wondering where all of our hot Nepali footballing action was, then today is YOUR day! Straight outta the Himalayas Peter Segun with a stunning strike from the center circle

Nicklas Bendtner just wasn’t strange enough already October 7, 2013

Posted by michaeltomlinson in English soccer, European soccer, Hair.
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I’m not sure how it took us weeks, let-alone days or even minutes to mention whatever the hell is going on with Nicklas Bendtner’s general head region. The silly beard is enough to question the man’s cleanliness but the hair takes it over-the-top with a samurai doo that is poorly executed, at best. I wasn’t aware they sent him out on loan to medieval Japan for the past two seasons. Let’s just hope when he inevitably misses a simple chance he doesn’t disembowel himself right on the touch line.

Mesut Ozil with an Arsenal kit! Trollin’ Europe’s Top spenders in favor of the Gunners September 3, 2013

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Here he is, The Raven now in red… Not with either team from Manchester, a certain team in Paris and most definitely no longer located in the city of Madrid. In general not something many people expected to see after this transfer deadline day. Hats off to Arsenal, people may say they didn’t address their defensive midfield or their overall defensive depth. To that I say would you rather have Mesut Ozil or NOT have Mesut Ozil? Thats what I thought……

Thumbs up!

Messi’s Tax fraud gets creepy Taiwanese treatment June 14, 2013

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This extremely accurate depiction of tax fraud is brought to you by the country of Taiwan. But who are we kidding, everything Messi does is cute, defrauding the government Spain just got an adorable facelift!

A clever Pablo Aimar pass. December 21, 2011

Posted by Alex Tomchak Scott in Uncategorized.
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This is a solid gold goal but the best part about it is Pablo Aimar’s return pass that eventually reaches Ruben Baraja. Aimar receives the ball from David Albelda running toward a well-positioned Dietmar Hamann. Then he caresses the ball lightly back in Albelda’s direction. Hamann sees the ball trickling slowly across the turf and can’t help but think he can reach it, so he charges out. But Aimar has seen Baraja darting across the top of the box and Hamann hasn’t.

Aimar’s pass has opened up space for him by luring his marker out of position, leaving him utterly open for Baraja’s return ball. Such a clever pass.

Ten purely sexual football managers, part 1 November 15, 2011

Posted by Alex Tomchak Scott in Hair.
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I recently read this list of “purely sexual footballers.” It is a disgrace. For one thing, there is nothing erotic about soccer players. For another thing, putting the words “sex” in the same paragraph as the words in the following paragraph should be a crime.

Gareth Bale.

Soccer managers, on the other hand …

Anyway, take note. This is how you do it.

PART 1: the male gaze

Whenever I read a list of the supposed sexiest women in the world, it always seems to devolve either to complete objectification or to a kind of discreet sidestepping of complete objectification, i.e. “My discussion of her recent directorial endeavors is a transparent stand-in for my desire to discuss her titties.” It’s a bit disgraceful. I feel no list of this nature is compete without a bit of shameful objectification. Here goes.

5. Mark Hughes

I’D LIKE TO JUICE A GRAPEFRUIT ON THAT JAW! LOOK AT THOSE CALVES OF HIS! I BET HE HAS A VERY FIRM BUTT! I’M NOW EXTREMELY HOT UNDER THE COLLAR!

4. Frank Rijkaard

EVEN IN SPITE OF THE FORMAT OF THIS LIST, I CAN’T QUITE BRING MYSELF TO MAKE THE RACIAL COMMENT THAT I MIGHT, BUT JUST CONJURE IT UP IN YOUR HEAD! SUCH A BIG MAN! LIKE A MONSTER! I AM FROTHING AT THE MOUTH WITH DESIRE!

3. Slaven Bilic

THOSE ARE SOME FULL LIPS! MY GOSH, I BET HE HAS AN ABDOMEN LIKE MASONRY BRICK! I AM FINDING IT DIFFICULT TO CONTROL MYSELF!

2. Jurgen Klinsmann

JUST THINK OF HOW HYPERFIT HE IS! I BET THERE IS NO BODY FAT ON HIM! HE COULD PROBABLY GO FOR DAYS! ALSO, A NICE SUNTAN! I AM GOING TO EXPLODE!

1. Avram Grant

Don’t act like you don’t want it.

Halftime thoughts thoughts on Armenia-Ireland October 11, 2011

Posted by Alex Tomchak Scott in European soccer, Uncategorized.
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1. The comparisons between Armenia and 80s Denmark are not that far-fetched. When Jonathan Wilson called Armenia “probably the most potentially exciting side to emerge since Denmark in the early 80s,” I wanted to believe him simply because having any team as exciting as Denmark in that era rattling around Europe these days would be tremendous fun, but I was skeptical. However, one half of football is enough to show that the Lernakanner are impressively well-drilled on defense, impressively technical and exhilarating going forward. To go away in a crucial qualifier and have a Barcelona-esque share of the possession, even if it is against Ireland, is impressive. If this team is around for another ten years, I’ll keep tuning in.

2. ESPN3’s commentators are embarrassing. I tuned in a little late, so I didn’t catch their names, but they’ve both got Irish accents and both refer to the Republic as “we.” Not only that, but they have an aggravating habit of instantly intimating that the Armenian players are time-wasting. Why would they waste time? They need to win. ESPN is an American network and America is a diverse country, containing as many as 1.2 million Armenians, many of whom are probably very passionate soccer fans who are not really being done a service here.

I’ll miss Veron’s career. October 10, 2011

Posted by Alex Tomchak Scott in Uncategorized.
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Juan Sebastian Veron has just announced he’ll retire on Oct. 31. That’s too bad if you ask me. I never saw as much of Veron as I would have liked and the vast majority of the games I saw him play were Chelsea games, when he wasn’t at his best and didn’t suit the style.

It’s too bad for him that the era of his kind of player began in around 2006, when Veron was already 31. Xavi, Ever Banega, Deco, Charlie Adam and Jack Wilshere are all players cut from the same mold as Veron, but when their dominance was confirmed, Veron had just agreed to return to Estudiantes. His potential to make a massive mark in what should have been his era was squandered by Diego Maradona’s foolish preference for Lionel Messi as Javier Mascherano’s central midfield partner.

But I doubt Veron will be unhappy. He won the Copa Libertadores with his hometown club and probably finished his career just the way he’d like it. Those fans fortunate enough to see him probably won’t be that unhappy either. And I know I’ll be watching Veron play against Racing on the last of this month. Above is a random sampling of Veron brilliance.