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Nicklas Bendtner just wasn’t strange enough already October 7, 2013

Posted by michaeltomlinson in English soccer, European soccer, Hair.
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I’m not sure how it took us weeks, let-alone days or even minutes to mention whatever the hell is going on with Nicklas Bendtner’s general head region. The silly beard is enough to question the man’s cleanliness but the hair takes it over-the-top with a samurai doo that is poorly executed, at best. I wasn’t aware they sent him out on loan to medieval Japan for the past two seasons. Let’s just hope when he inevitably misses a simple chance he doesn’t disembowel himself right on the touch line.

Ten purely sexual football managers, part 1 November 15, 2011

Posted by Alex Tomchak Scott in Hair.
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I recently read this list of “purely sexual footballers.” It is a disgrace. For one thing, there is nothing erotic about soccer players. For another thing, putting the words “sex” in the same paragraph as the words in the following paragraph should be a crime.

Gareth Bale.

Soccer managers, on the other hand …

Anyway, take note. This is how you do it.

PART 1: the male gaze

Whenever I read a list of the supposed sexiest women in the world, it always seems to devolve either to complete objectification or to a kind of discreet sidestepping of complete objectification, i.e. “My discussion of her recent directorial endeavors is a transparent stand-in for my desire to discuss her titties.” It’s a bit disgraceful. I feel no list of this nature is compete without a bit of shameful objectification. Here goes.

5. Mark Hughes

I’D LIKE TO JUICE A GRAPEFRUIT ON THAT JAW! LOOK AT THOSE CALVES OF HIS! I BET HE HAS A VERY FIRM BUTT! I’M NOW EXTREMELY HOT UNDER THE COLLAR!

4. Frank Rijkaard

EVEN IN SPITE OF THE FORMAT OF THIS LIST, I CAN’T QUITE BRING MYSELF TO MAKE THE RACIAL COMMENT THAT I MIGHT, BUT JUST CONJURE IT UP IN YOUR HEAD! SUCH A BIG MAN! LIKE A MONSTER! I AM FROTHING AT THE MOUTH WITH DESIRE!

3. Slaven Bilic

THOSE ARE SOME FULL LIPS! MY GOSH, I BET HE HAS AN ABDOMEN LIKE MASONRY BRICK! I AM FINDING IT DIFFICULT TO CONTROL MYSELF!

2. Jurgen Klinsmann

JUST THINK OF HOW HYPERFIT HE IS! I BET THERE IS NO BODY FAT ON HIM! HE COULD PROBABLY GO FOR DAYS! ALSO, A NICE SUNTAN! I AM GOING TO EXPLODE!

1. Avram Grant

Don’t act like you don’t want it.

Joey Barton is gone, and we’re back! August 26, 2011

Posted by michaeltomlinson in English soccer, European soccer, Hair.
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Nothing celebrates this momentous occasion like the blockbuster departure of Joey Barton and whatever is on his face to newcomer QPR. His stint at Newcastle coupled with a real casual 77 days in jail for assault over the last four years if not remarkable are certainly memorable. Surely he will be missed by his plausible 3 friends and multiple Toony factions of stray dogs. But this is less about him and more about us, the blog, the important stuff. We’re back. and just in time do declare Wolverhampton the league champion, really there is no use playing the rest of the season. The Ashley Youngless Villa might as well curl up in a ball of despair before they allow Kevin Doyle to personally impregnate all of their closest relatives with a sleight of hand and modern day moxy. Don’t ask me how this works, this is a third party description from a higher power, his name is GOD, heard of him?

Joe Cole to Liverpool!!~~!!! July 20, 2010

Posted by michaeltomlinson in English soccer, European soccer, Hair.
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In other news; I don’t care at all, really… not one fucking bit

And neither do they..

Kevin Keegan doing uhh something.

TWO KEVIN KEEGANS YEEE!!

July 21 preview: Don’t bet your Swiss bank account on any of them June 20, 2010

Posted by Alex Tomchak Scott in Hair, World Cup 2010.
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Portugal vs. DPR Korea

Key questions:

  • Will Portugal convert to socialism like the last team the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea ripped to shreds? After DPR Korea left Brazil a withered husk of a football team on Wednesday, both Brazil and South Africa converted their entire economies to socialism on the spot and embraced Kim Jong Il as their supreme leaders. Will Portugal do the same after DPRK’s first goal, or will they wait until the end of the game?
  • How much will it suck if Portugal wins? Considering a Portuguese win would leave the Seleccao a drab stalemate with already qualified Brazil away from the Round of 16, a loss by the glorious DPR could be interpreted as a deliberate attempt to ruin this evil capitalist sham tournament by effectively knocking out the Ivory Coast, a far more attractive and compelling side than Portugal.
  • How embarrassing will it be when Cristiano Ronaldo can’t even score against the glorious DPR?

Key man: Jong Tae Se. The Ivory Coast’s subsequent hiding by Brazil proved that Sven Goran Eriksson’s team isn’t as defensively sound as I first thought. In turn, that proved that Portugal is really bad at things like moving and penetration. The glorious DPR can certainly stop Portugal from scoring on a good day. People will call it a surprise, and if they do they are idiots who simply haven’t been paying attention. Jong, though, will need to translate his passion into goals to make it matter.

Key hair: Raul Meireles v. Mun In Guk. Will the Glorious Democratic People’s players see Meireles’ cropped-sided neo-rent-boy look as indicative of everything they’ve hated about capitalism since they first saw a Swiss pay toilet? Will the Glorious Democratic People’s censors think it so decadent and bourgeois they refuse to air the game in the first place? And can Meireles even be expected to bother showing up if his opposite number, Mun, has hair so dizzyingly similar to the rest?

Chile v. Switzerland

Key questions:

  • Does anybody actually want Switzerland to win? Before I begin, can we pretend I just made a cheap joke about Swiss neutrality and move on with our lives? I really don’t want to go to the trouble. Anyway, with Switzerland being painted as the loutish villains that stifled The World’s Most Gloriously Perfect National Team™ off the field and Chile anointed The World’s Second Most Gloriously Attacking National Team™, there’s probably only one “neutral’s choice” (hence my earlier request that you pretend I made a joke). One must question why smaller countries like Switzerland are even allowed to turn up at World Cups if all they do is play well and get surprising results against the favorites.
  • Do you believe in miracles? In the wake of Chile’s shaming of Honduras, while some praised the South American team, others said a “team that defends properly” would destroy them. This seems to reflect the popular wisdom: You don’t win football games by scoring goals and playing better, you win them by man-marking. When teams get the ball back, it must be because of good defending, but when teams get into positions to score, it’s obviously because of bad defending. Or it could be that having six players attacking at all times is simply going to create problems for any defense. No, that’s daft, isn’t it? It would take a miracle for Chile to win.
  • How many Swiss-related cliches can you stand? I’m going to consider it a testament to my personal fortitude if I can sit through ten uses of any of the following terms: “Swiss watch,” “Swiss Army knife,” “Swiss cheese,” “Swiss Miss.”

Key man: Jorge Valdivia. In the absence of recognized forward Humberto Suazo, Valdivia, a playmaker by nature, will be expected to make like a Swiss Army knife and perform a different function: center forward. If he does, Chile will run like a Swiss watch and make Swiss cheese out of the Swiss defense. Beware, though, because as he demonstrated against Honduras, he’s well capable of the occasional Swiss Miss. If he performs, though, the Chileans will delight the neutrals — that’s right, even the notoriously impartial Swiss!

Key hair: Arturo Vidal v. Ludovic Magnin. Is it hard for Magnin to play and deliver his trademark set plays without eyebrows? Will Vidal’s towering little fin make up for Chile’s height disadvantage?

Spain v. Honduras

Key questions:

  • If Spain wins, will Spain again be the best team in the world? Everyone spent the build up to Spain v. Switzerland talking about how Spain would really get the tournament going. Then Spain fell flat on its face. Now nobody wants to talk about Spain because it’s the same old Spain. But if the Spainiards can run up a big score against Honduras — which, judging by a limp Honduran performance against Chile, is pretty likely — maybe everyone will love them again.
  • Should anyone take Honduras seriously? I mean, come on, they’re certainly worse than England and France … Oh, wait.
  • This is a walkover, right? Yes, just like Switzerland.

Key man: Wilson Palacios. He is suspiciously similar to Spain’s rejected midfield hustler Marcos Senna, so perhaps he’ll be motivated to strike like the avenging angel of undersized, energetic central bruisers to Senna Vicente del Bosque out of the World Cup.

Key hair: Ramon Nunez v. David Villa/Fernando Torres. Carlos Pavon’s Predator-style mop gives a minnow like Honduras some flair, but the douche-nozzle sideburns on Nunez have no place in any team. Meanwhile, whomever wins the battle to start between Torres and Villa may also win the title of pukiest bro-cowl: Torres’ has that infuriating Cracker Jack-box quality to it, but Villa has a very objectionable soul patch.

Predictions:

Portugal 0-1 DPR Korea, Chile 0-0 Switzerland, Spain 6-0 Honduras

Algerian Hairstyle: That of a douche bag from middle school. June 18, 2010

Posted by michaeltomlinson in African soccer, Hair, World Cup 2010.
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Faouzi Chaouchi looking very natural and blonde

Remember seventh grade? personally I don’t recall much, but I know that those were the years of great hair experimentation. The most fancied option of the time and the often maligned bleached doo nearly always stole the show. So, Algeria not to be outdone by late 90s and early 2000’s suburban white children have gone the way of the bright blonde as well. It isn’t just that its blonde, but its gelled and spiked and an all around poor showing by the North African’s and their stylists. Karim Ziani most notably is sporting the florescent look as is Chaouni who is missing his start in goal due to “injury.” Or it could just be that he is ridiculously god awful. Though his replacement M’Bolhi nearly let in the first ball kicked near him which he misjudged on the fly like a T-ball outfielder. Of course as I say this he makes a decent stop on Lampard. maybe i’ll give him a chance, but the hair, not a chance.

Gervinho’s forehead is distracting June 15, 2010

Posted by michaeltomlinson in Hair, Uncategorized, World Cup 2010.
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What is going on here?

From what I understand he is balding, but still enjoys the reputation of a full head of hair. His dreadlocks seem powerful and well put together but like that of a middle aged man nearly all of his fine locks stem from the side of his head. This creates a gleaming fore region that nearly matches the prowess of the mane which surrounds it. Needless to say the fact i’m writing this is a testament to the profound distraction this has created, also he is looking pretty good at the football game at hand.

– Another note: This second half has already been about 3 times as watchable as the first, hooray!

Cup Mugs: World Hair Cup June 11, 2010

Posted by Alex Tomchak Scott in Hair, International soccer, The World Cup.
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Maybe you expected some reaction the the exciting Mexico-South Africa game today. I’m too unpredictable for that. Here’s a look at the silly hair arms race at this world cup.

2. I didn’t start at number one, but number two is an eternal contender for the prize. The man who beat him, however, just managed to take this look to the next level. I’m talking about Djibril Cisse. This is more of a lifetime achievement award.

3. He’s not that novel anymore, but let’s get whatever’s on Bacary Sagna‘s head out of the way.

Marek Hamsik‘s also getting old.

“Women’s tennis anyone?” asks Benoit Assou-Ekotto.

Memo Ochoa, one of many Josh Groban look a likes on Mexico. If they ever took their silly head bands off.

It appears Alberto Gilardino’s channeling his inner Smashing Pumpkins fan.

Kim Jae-Sung stands out even in a nation full of bowl cuts.

Meanwhile, Yoshito Okubo is channeling 1970s newscasters.

A rogues’ gallery of douchey soul-patches. Egidio Arevalo, Mauro Camoranesi,

And the douchey soul-patch granddaddy, Marcus Hahnemann.

But the winner has to be Rigobert “Poseidon” Song