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Lost in translation October 30, 2013

Posted by michaeltomlinson in The World Cup.
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This is possibly the most awkward youtube video i’ve ever seen.. The premise is basically…. “Don’t have sex with our children.” While I understand this is a legitimate problem in the country that is set to host the World Cup next year, the execution was well, somewhat poor. Also why is Frank Lampard there?

The greatest youtube soccer goal EVER! August 30, 2013

Posted by michaeltomlinson in All that is good, Asian soccer.
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The music comes at you with POWER and intrigue… A-la a a brutal scuffle between Megazord and whatever Rita Repulsa could conjure up on the day. Except this time with less property damage and more goals!!!

NOTHING gets me jacked up for some sweet, sweet J league highlights like some fucking generic mid 90’s metal, (except for possibly fiery hot SPEED metal. SOMEONE CUE SOME DRAGONFORCE DAMNIT!!!!)

Sorry that was inappropriate, back to whatever my point was. Ah yes, this fantastic golazo made possible by Leonardo. The legendary Brazilian, who for some reason spent 2 years at the Kashima Antlers scored 30 goals in 49 games, to be sure none better than this. I won’t ruin it with a description, or attempt to do it justice with my text, I suggest you just watch..

-Cheers

Neymar signs for… Oregon State University? May 31, 2013

Posted by michaeltomlinson in Brazilian soccer, MLS, Spanish soccer.
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The Brazilian starlet was all but destined to be Barcelona’s next great South American star. Instead, Neymar has decided to take his talent South beac… Err Corvallis, Oregon! As pictured below the 21-year-old striker has closely monitored the progression of Portland Timbers GREAT Ryan Johnson and has decided to take on 4 years of eligibility, just like former OSU stand-out, Johnson. This of course makes a lot of sense due to a recent independent study which I just made up that says  U.S. soccer players have a 74% chance to be more successful in the pro ranks if they opt for the college route. A couple more interesting statistics, Neymar is now 69% more likely to puke immediately following a beer bong attempt gone wrong, but is also 93% less likely to contract gonorrhea after a transexual orgy… We all have our vices.

Glorious People’s Republic achieves glorious People’s triumph June 15, 2010

Posted by Alex Tomchak Scott in World Cup 2010.
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(Clipped from the Glorious People’s news wire)

JOHANNESBURG, Fiefdom of Southern African Capitalist Pigdogs — The Glorious People’s Republic triumphed today over the yellow-shirted bourgeois devils of Brazil.

[The Democratic People’s Government regrets to inform viewers that the official broadcast of the Glorious People’s victory was sabotaged by imperialist devils from the United States at the 54th minute of the game.]

Comrade Ji Yun Nam’s glorious shot into the vile reactionaries’ net sealed a glorious triumph for socialism. In the wake of the humiliating defeat at the hands of the World’s footballing beacon, the vampiric overlords of Brazil agreed to cede the reins of the government to a glorious socialist state modeled after the Dear Leader’s own.

Comrade Ji’s glorious strike, reminiscent of his glorious country’s glorious Taepodong-2 flying revolutions, was inspired by the Dear Leader’s appearance on 55 minutes, when he descended from the heavens into the center of the field and spoke words of glorious wisdom to the players. All those in attendance, even the slavemasters of the local and Brazilian governments, were moved to weeping. It is said that the President of South Africa, realizing the error of his ways, professed to enact socialism on the spot.

Halftime report (Brazil-DPRK) June 15, 2010

Posted by Alex Tomchak Scott in World Cup 2010.
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So the unctuous Brazilian capitalist under-pig-dogs have spent the half cheating their way to a 0-0 upset draw. Clearly, envious of the socialist paradise that is the glorious Democratic People’s Republic of Korea, some agglomeration of malevolent capitalist forces — the canary-shirted coffee-hoarders themselves, perhaps FIFA, maybe the American pigdogs — has drugged the glorious Chollima to blunt their glorious goalscoring potency.

One can only expect the glorious people’s champion and Dear Leader Kim Jong Il will find some miracle cure for the odious capitalist poison in the second half. Never you fear.