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Euro 2012 Insomnia preivew: Denmark’s three water boundaries threaten attack on German boarder; yearn for Island status. December 5, 2011

Posted by michaeltomlinson in Euro 2012.
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Peninsula just isn’t cutting it anymore.

Apparently the Fédération Internationale de Football Association  or (Fifa) didn’t get the memo about trying to have a real chill tatted up ballin’ ass Denmark team sneak through to the knockout stages. Instead they put the sweet, succulent pastries in the group of death with Euro crushing queens, Portugal and the speed skating enthusiasts who speak a weird brand of German known as Dutch? I think. Also the real German speaking Germans are involved as well, but they have far too many talented central attacking midfielders to be any good in this tournament, so I’ll leave them out of this.

I knew Sepp Blatter was a racist and a fool but I thought that also came with a side of silliness and childish fun, ala Don Imus. BOY was I wrong. Shit I forgot, More after the break….

Just kidding there is no break, its bedtime, write in the  morning goodnig….

EURO 2012 Preview #2 & 3: Which of Denmark and Sweden will be more fun at Euro 2012? November 15, 2011

Posted by Alex Tomchak Scott in Euro 2012.
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It’s pretty obvious that either Denmark or Sweden will be the most fun team at the coming European championships. Spain basically tries to pass teams to sleep. France, England, Poland, Ukraine and Russia are too deeply enveloped by self-loathing to be truly enjoyable. As I’ve already said, Holland is punching well below its weight.

So we need to turn to either Denmark or Sweden for enjoyment. Every logical indicator points to Denmark:

  • More crafty vets (this is the Jacob Welcker category). Dennis Rommedahl is a 33-year-old speed merchant. Lars Jacobsen, 32, is a fixture in the team at right-back despite never really having been good. Martin Jorgensen is 36 and Thomas Sorensen is 35. Christian Poulsen doesn’t qualify because nobody would accuse him of being crafty, but there’s no logical explanation for a 31-year-old who does not know how to play soccer still being a fixture for the Danes. If Per Kroldrup, a 32-year-old center back who does not know how to head the ball comes in too, so much the better. Sweden only really has Anders Svensson and the creaky center back pairing of Olof Mellberg and Daniel Majstorovic, all of whom have, let’s face it, been in their mid-thirties for a decade anyway.
  • Christian Eriksen. Just look at how much fun he is.
  • Far more fun in the center of defense. Majstorovic and Mellberg are your traditional Scandinavian center-half pairing. One is bald, one is hairy, both are extremely slow. Hulking, consistent, journeymen. Yawn. Daniel Agger and Simon Kjaer are the improbable central defenders the whirring disorientation of the 21st century promised us. Cultured left feet. Enough bad tattoos to fill an entire coffee table book of questionable Nordic body art. Unfeasible sweatiness. Bad hair. Despite the fact that each is the size of a small rhinoceros, both of them look like tousel-headed schoolboys up to no good. Any team with those two at the back is going to be an utter thrill ride.
  • Nicklas Bendtner. At some point, he will be crushed under the weight of his own hubris. That will make for wonderful viewing.
  • No Zlatan.

Nonetheless, I can’t avoid the impression that I will like Sweden more

Only a matter of time before the Netherlands falls on its sword June 14, 2010

Posted by Alex Tomchak Scott in World Cup 2010.
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Surely it’s coming: Robin van Persie’s showering, minding his own business, fantasizing about burning Wesley Sneijder’s house down. He leans over to grab his rubber ducky, takes a tiny step forward, and slips on a bar of soap. A bar that just happened to be left there by Sneijder himself!

Gregory van der Wiel, swathed in black, tiptoes up behind Mark van Bommel, reaches into his shirt pocket, and, swift as lightning, whips out a cutting wire and entwines the Bayern Munich midfielder’s neck with it and pulls until his curly headed comrade passes out.

Sure, the Dutch national team looked decent against Denmark, chalking up the tournament’s first victory by a proper side over a proper side. But there were signs of the fissures that will, sooner or later, tear them apart. van Persie received a pass from Sneijder with his back to goal, then petulantly kicked it right back at his teammate. Sneijder tried it again and van Persie again batted it back. Sneijder sighed and flicked the ball out to Rafael van der Vaart, who was promptly disposessed.

Mark van Bommel attempted a ludicrously bad shot from distance and the camera cut away to Dutch coach Bert van Marwijk, the midfielder’s stepfather, and his assistant Frank de Boer. De Boer’s face contorted with displeasure and you could see him cursing under his breath.

I’m just saying the Dutch players, or some of them, really seem to hate one another. The aforementioned also seem to be prima donnas. When they’re on the field, they pass the ball well, but don’t play as a team all the same. It seems like it will end in tears for them. Just like always.