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SI.com reporter uncovers US Soccer’s player-cloning plot! November 12, 2011

Posted by Alex Tomchak Scott in U.S. soccer.
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Here’s a quote from Peter Berlin’s analysis of the recent friendly between the USA and France:

For that reason, it doesn’t matter now whether he believes his best midfield pairing involves Michael Bradley or Jermaine Jones or the starters Friday, Kyle Beckerman and Maurice Edu. Edu and Beckerman were both winning only their second caps. It will take a while before Klinsmann knows exactly what he has in them. He needs to find out.

(emphasis mine.)

Kyle Beckerman (17 caps) and Maurice Edu (30 caps) were winning their second caps?

There’s only one explanation for this: Peter Berlin, through dogged journalistic pursuit of the truth, has uncovered a shocking secret: The U.S. Soccer Federation, taking cues from the film Moon, has an infinite store of clones for several of its midfielders. They are periodically incinerated and replaced, really for no reason whatsoever, except possibly the LOLs.

Dastardly. But why does Berlin have to be so coy as to just hint.

South Africa 0-3 Uruguay: Home team effectively eliminated June 16, 2010

Posted by Alex Tomchak Scott in World Cup 2010.
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Well, that sucks, huh?

In theory, the hosts aren’t eliminated. They could still hope that France and Uruguay both beat Mexico, and then they beat France by more than four goals.

It’s not going to happen, even with how terrible France is. In fact, that might go against them: If Mexico beats France, then El Tri will go into the final game needing only a draw to advance — just like Uruguay. History suggests that, in situations where two culturally similar countries can eliminate rivals with a mutually beneficial draw, it happens.

Where does this leave the World Cup? Man, it’s not mine to say. Poorer for the experience, I guess.